no one here can love and understand me, what hard-luck stories they hand me

[intheruins]

Soon, George will be a month old and Serena will have been in the city just as long. It's surreal. She hasn't done much since arriving and she's never been one for idling. She wants to head out to the country and find a place that feels more like home, but she can afford neither the expense nor the strength.

So she does what she can. She doesn't have the room for a full nursery but she has a bassinet for George and a changing table, and even a rocking chair. That's where she seems to spend most of her time, feeding him with the milk that she makes from scoops of powder and warm water. 

She reads, too. There are decades of books that she can't account for, though the local library does have some of her old favourites. She sits and rocks and feeds George, losing herself in fictional worlds and trying not to think about the loss of Pemberton and how much harder this all is without him.

Beth, strange as their friendship is, proves to be something of a touchstone for Serena. That she was the first person Serena met is something she believes comes down to more than coincidence. One afternoon, she manages to type out a message on the phone that many have tried to teach her to use.

W  OULD YO U LI KE TO CO ME OV ER  FOR      TEA ?

It's a mess, but she figures Beth will know what she means.

Comments

[intheruins]

"He was much smaller when he was born," she says. Of course, Beth had seen the pictures, but pictures don't do justice just how tiny he'd been and how much it had scared Serena. Just holding him, she'd been afraid to break him – a far cry from her insistence that he could stand a little jostling.

Opening the bottle, Serena grabs a couple of glasses even if Beth has said she's not much of a drinker. The option's there. There's also tea but for now Beth seems content in holding he baby and Serena enjoys watching as she takes a sip.

It tastes good and sweet and light and she smiles. Something about drinking champagne makes her feel human again, even if her hair isn't perfectly curled and her makeup is minimal. "He loves to be held," she says. "I got him that bouncer... thing... for when I need a break, but I think he knows it's not the same."

[a_littlefaith]

"It's never as good as bein' in mommy's arms," Beth agrees, gently rocking George back and forth, smiling down at him. While she knows this isn't something she and Curtis are prepared for in any way, even just holding a baby like this reminds her how much she wants something like this one day. It's the sort of thing that's going to require a lot of talk and she doesn't even know if Curtis wants a family.

Moments like this draw attention to the things they haven't talked about yet. She's not worried, really, she doesn't think any of this is going to be something to break them or even put a strain on them, but she knows they have to have these discussions at some point.

"This isn't even as good as bein' with you," she says, looking at Serena and flashing her a bright smile. "I'm only a halfway decent substitute for you and I think he knows it."

[intheruins]

"If only he could understand that mommy needs the rest," Serena says. She never wants to be apart from George, of course, but there are times when he fusses even when his diaper is dry and his belly is full and Serena hasn't slept a wink in a day. The older he gets, the easier it gets, at least.

It's funny, although not really at all, but everyone had told her how hard it would be and she hadn't believed them. Maybe because it didn't seem as if anything could possibly be more hard than her entire life had been.

"You're a natural," she comments on the way Beth rocks George. It's not even just in the way she holds him, but the light in her face. Some people view children with fear, like they're to be overcome. But Beth is cheerful as ever, much more in element than Serena had been in her own first days of motherhood.

[a_littlefaith]

"I've always loved babies," she says, looking at Serena with a smile. "Even when I was just a kid myself, I always wanted to grow up and be a mom. After everything that happened back where I'm from, I ended up takin' care of my friend's sister, Judith, after she was born. Their mom died givin' birth to her and their dad was... well, he was kind of the leader of all of us, so he had a lot on his plate. I looked after her a lot then."

And she still does now, but Carl has more responsibility and Judith is older and bigger. There's still a lot they need to do, but she's more independent.

"I dunno if it'll still happen for me," she admits. "But I love other peoples' babies just as much as I do Judith." Maybe not just as much, because Judith is family, but it's a close thing.

[intheruins]

Serena can't help but frown at the mention of a mother lost in birth. Back in North Carolina, it had happened an awful lot. Too many babies were buried with them.

"I didn't think it would happen for me," Serena says. She certainly never thought that she'd find someone to love her in spite of all of her imperfections, someone who would want to bond their blood even after all she'd done wrong.

"I didn't think I'd ever have a family," she continues, still watching Beth and George. There's no envy, not like when she'd seen the Harmon girl holding Jacob. There are few people that Serena trusts in this world, Beth is one of them. "You might find yourself surprised one day. You're still young."

[a_littlefaith]

"It might," Beth agrees, because she knows there's no sense jumping the gun one way or the other. It's not something she and Curtis have talked about at all and while he's really good with Judith, she also won't be surprised if it turns out it's not something he wants for himself in the same way she does.

She knows why. The things he's told her about his home, it makes sense if he wouldn't ever want that.

"My boyfriend's about ten years older than me," she tells Serena, looking up at her from George's sweet face. "And there are a lot of reasons why he might not want a family, but the thing is... part of me feels like I've been waitin' for him all this time and we're finally findin' ourselves and I don't wanna put any strain on it by askin' questions we might not know the answers to yet."

[intheruins]

"If you don't ask, you mightn't ever get what you want," Serena says. With Pemberton, they'd both wanted children. That much had gone without saying. Of course in the first few months of marriage when they'd coupled they'd used protection, but that they'd one day try for an heir was an inevitability.

They simply had too much to let it die with them.

"Most men can be swayed any way you wish, but you might find that he already feels the same way." She doesn't want to come across as manipulative, especially not to Beth, but she's well-versed in the world of men and what they want. More importantly, what they need. "If your relationship is meant to last, I find it hard to believe there's any strain that would break it."

[a_littlefaith]

"Oh, well," she pauses and laughs. "I mean, I'm not in too much of a rush anyway. I'm only twenty-one, I figure if I ever start a family, it won't be for at least a couple more years. I've got all my music stuff goin' on and I wanna finish school first, too."

And when she thinks about it, she doesn't want to have to sway Curtis. If it's something they do together, she wants it to be something they both want.

"I think I got some time still," she says, grinning, giving George a gentle bounce. "Before I start askin' him about it, I mean. We only just started sayin' 'I love you'."